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Daniel Tosh citáty

Daniel Dwight Tosh is an American comedian, television host, actor, writer, and executive producer. He is known for his deliberately offensive and controversial style of black comedy, as the host of the Comedy Central television show Tosh.0, and as the star of stand-up comedy tours and specials. Wikipedia  

✵ 29. květen 1975
Daniel Tosh foto
Daniel Tosh: 28 citátů0 lajků

Daniel Tosh: Citáty anglicky

“You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.”

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Daniel Tosh

Completely Serious (2007)

“Am I the only one who thinks that David Beckham should film a sex scene with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but get it done before one of them is past their prime. Can you imagine those two making love? If there is not a man in here who's junk doesn't even wiggle at the thought of it, and this has nothing to do with your homophobic beliefs. At that level, it's art, you monkey! You should feel privileged that you get to breathe the same air as those Greek gods!”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake… We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."”

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Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

“Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working!”

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Daniel Tosh

Completely Serious (2007)

“I can say that. I have a television show.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"”

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Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

“Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.”

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Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

“Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A. M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Thank you… I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.”

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Daniel Tosh

Completely Serious (2007)

“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”

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Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

“Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…”

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Daniel Tosh

Laugh Factory (2012); as quoted in "Daniel Tosh apologises for rape joke as fellow comedians defend topic" https://www.theguardian.com/culture/us-news-blog/2012/jul/11/daniel-tosh-apologises-rape-joke, Amanda Holpuch, The Guardian, 11, Jul 2012

“You are a sick freak who should be beaten.”

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Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”

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Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God…How can I make this funny for everybody?"…Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So, he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!"”

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Daniel Tosh

Then whack, right then! And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later.
Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer."”

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Daniel Tosh

That's a hate crime!
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

“Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."”

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Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

“I'm all for illegal immigration in this country except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around, they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals."”

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Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house…”

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Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

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