Jerry Seinfeld citáty

„Nejlepší pomstou je dobře si žít.“

„Pokud se kniha o neúspěších neprodává, je to úspěch?“

„Někdy méně používaná cesta je méně používaná z nějakého důvodu.“

„Pokud chci dlouhý nudný příběh, který nemá smysl, mám svůj život.“

“The biggest laugh has to come at the end.”

“Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is.”

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later”

“Economy is essential to all good fart.”

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

“I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.”

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

“The best revenge is living well.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.”

“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to…. To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."”