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Mitch Hedberg citáty
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Mitch Hedberg - americký komik

✵ 24. únor 1968 – 29. březen 2005
Mitch Hedberg: 116 citátů14 lajků

Mitch Hedberg nejznámější citáty

„Mám rád poslíčky z FedExu, protože jsou to dealeři drog a ani o tom nemaj páru. A vždycky choděj včas. Je fajn, když vaše zásilka drog má trackovací číslo. Když se kámoš zeptá: „Mitchi, co je s těma drogama?“, tak jen řeknu „Zavolej 1-800-atd.“ Vaše drogy byly naloženy v 7:30 dopoledne a přijednou podle rozpisu. Skvělý, tak to má bejt.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Bydlim teď v hotelu, kterej kvůli pověrám nemá 13. patro. Ale přece ty lidi na čtrnáctým poschodí musej vědět, na jakym patře jsou doopravdy. V jakým si pokoji? 1401. To teda kecáš! Vyskoč z vokna, zemřeš DŘÍV!“

Mitch Hedberg

„Moje sestra chtěla být herečkou, ale nikdy se jí to nepodařilo. Nicméně žije v přívěsu. Takže se jí to vlastně z části povedlo. Herečka je, ale nikdy ji nevolají na scénu.“

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg citáty a výroky

„Znáte to jak na punk-rokových koncertech skáčou zpěváci do publika? Kdekdo si myslí, že je to nebezpečný, ale já ne… Lidi jsou z 95% tvořeni vodou. To znamená, že chybí jen 5% a byl by z nich vodní bazén.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Nechal jsem si číst z dlaně. Něco sem na ni nejdřív napsal, abych zjistil, jestli to přečte taky.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Nemám přitelkyni. Jenom znám jednu holku, kterou by fakt namíchlo, kdyby mě slyšela tohle říct.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Kinko's je můj oblíbenej krám s kopírkou, protože maj otevřeno 24 hodin denně. Takže když se najednou ve 3 ráno rozhodnu, že potřebuju něco dvakrát, tak to mám zajištěný. Někdy se probudim o půlnoci celej zpocenej, „sakra… ufff, Kinko's… díky bohu, nezůstane to v jediným exempláři.““

Mitch Hedberg

„Všechny reklamy od McDonalds končej stejně: „ceny a úroveň účasti v programu se mohou na pobočkách různit“. Já si chci otevřít mekáče a nespolupracovat na ničem. Chci bejt tvrdohlavej majitel McDonaldu. „Máte cheeseburgery?““

Mitch Hedberg

„Ani nápad… máme špagety… a prostěradla.“

„V rádiu vysílali rozhovor se mnou. První, na co se mě DJ zeptal, bylo: „Kdo jste?“ Musel jsem se zamyslet: „To má být filosofická otázka nebo jsem omylem v jiným rádiu?““

Mitch Hedberg

„Mám rád poslíčky z FedExu, protože jsou to dealeři drog a ani o tom nemaj páru. A vždycky choděj včas. Je fajn, když vaše zásilka drog má trackovací číslo. Když se kámoš zeptá: „Mitchi, co je s těma drogama?“, tak jen řeknu „Zavolej 1-800-atd.““

Mitch Hedberg

Vaše drogy byly naloženy v 7:30 dopoledne a přijednou podle rozpisu. Skvělý, tak to má bejt.

Mitch Hedberg: Citáty anglicky

“I saw a lady on T. V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse… In a way… Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?"”

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Mitch Hedberg

"Just practicing."
Mitch All Together (2003)

“If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread…. You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'… wait, what?”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music… So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'”

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Mitch Hedberg

It&#x27;s just flat.&quot; <br class="br">Comedy Central Presents, S01E06: Mitch Hedberg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAHiHJ2AhYE&amp;feature=youtu.be (5 January 1999)

“If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package… Day 2, work on deliciousness.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Live from Chicago

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one… and every one on the bottom row!"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

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