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Mitch Hedberg citáty

Mitch Hedberg - americký komik

✵ 24. únor 1968 – 29. březen 2005
Mitch Hedberg: 116 citátů14 lajků

Mitch Hedberg nejznámější citáty

„Mám rád poslíčky z FedExu, protože jsou to dealeři drog a ani o tom nemaj páru. A vždycky choděj včas. Je fajn, když vaše zásilka drog má trackovací číslo. Když se kámoš zeptá: „Mitchi, co je s těma drogama?“, tak jen řeknu „Zavolej 1-800-atd.“ Vaše drogy byly naloženy v 7:30 dopoledne a přijednou podle rozpisu. Skvělý, tak to má bejt.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Bydlim teď v hotelu, kterej kvůli pověrám nemá 13. patro. Ale přece ty lidi na čtrnáctým poschodí musej vědět, na jakym patře jsou doopravdy. V jakým si pokoji? 1401. To teda kecáš! Vyskoč z vokna, zemřeš DŘÍV!“

Mitch Hedberg

„Moje sestra chtěla být herečkou, ale nikdy se jí to nepodařilo. Nicméně žije v přívěsu. Takže se jí to vlastně z části povedlo. Herečka je, ale nikdy ji nevolají na scénu.“

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg citáty a výroky

„Znáte to jak na punk-rokových koncertech skáčou zpěváci do publika? Kdekdo si myslí, že je to nebezpečný, ale já ne… Lidi jsou z 95% tvořeni vodou. To znamená, že chybí jen 5% a byl by z nich vodní bazén.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Nechal jsem si číst z dlaně. Něco sem na ni nejdřív napsal, abych zjistil, jestli to přečte taky.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Nemám přitelkyni. Jenom znám jednu holku, kterou by fakt namíchlo, kdyby mě slyšela tohle říct.“

Mitch Hedberg

„Kinko's je můj oblíbenej krám s kopírkou, protože maj otevřeno 24 hodin denně. Takže když se najednou ve 3 ráno rozhodnu, že potřebuju něco dvakrát, tak to mám zajištěný. Někdy se probudim o půlnoci celej zpocenej, „sakra… ufff, Kinko's… díky bohu, nezůstane to v jediným exempláři.““

Mitch Hedberg

„Všechny reklamy od McDonalds končej stejně: „ceny a úroveň účasti v programu se mohou na pobočkách různit“. Já si chci otevřít mekáče a nespolupracovat na ničem. Chci bejt tvrdohlavej majitel McDonaldu. „Máte cheeseburgery?““

Mitch Hedberg

„Ani nápad… máme špagety… a prostěradla.“

„V rádiu vysílali rozhovor se mnou. První, na co se mě DJ zeptal, bylo: „Kdo jste?“ Musel jsem se zamyslet: „To má být filosofická otázka nebo jsem omylem v jiným rádiu?““

Mitch Hedberg

„Mám rád poslíčky z FedExu, protože jsou to dealeři drog a ani o tom nemaj páru. A vždycky choděj včas. Je fajn, když vaše zásilka drog má trackovací číslo. Když se kámoš zeptá: „Mitchi, co je s těma drogama?“, tak jen řeknu „Zavolej 1-800-atd.““

Mitch Hedberg

Vaše drogy byly naloženy v 7:30 dopoledne a přijednou podle rozpisu. Skvělý, tak to má bejt.

Mitch Hedberg: Citáty anglicky

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”

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Mitch Hedberg

track 3, "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport… About a minute ago… And you were good."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

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Mitch Hedberg

track 17, "Movie Pot"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Videos and Audio from Hedberg.com

“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people!”

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Mitch Hedberg

Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'…potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH."”

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Mitch Hedberg

I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit.
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!”

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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg: Oh, I bet you do! Only don't think about the fact that there might be police around! What have you got there, we... dope? You fucking doper? [beat] Arrest that dude!!
Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

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Mitch Hedberg

track 11, "Three Easy Payments"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”

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Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

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