Vtipné anglické citáty

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
Ten, kdo se nikdy nedopustil chyby, se nikdy nepokusil o něco nového.

Albert Einstein (1879–1955) German-born physicist and founder of the theory of relativity

Varianta: A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
Někteří lidé se nikdy nezblázní. Jaký hrozný život musí vést.

Charles Bukowski (1920–1994) American writer

Varianta: Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”
Neplač, protože to skončilo. Usměj se, protože se to stalo.

Dr. Seuss (1904–1991) American children's writer and illustrator, co-founder of Beginner Books

Often attributed to Dr. Seuss without citation; also cited as an anonymous proverb.
This quote has also been attributed to Gabriel García Márquez, in Spanish: "No llores porque ya se terminó, sonríe porque sucedió."
Compare lines from In Memoriam A.H.H. of Tennyson:
&emsp;&emsp;'Tis better to have loved and lost
&emsp;&emsp;Than never to have loved at all.
Disputed
Varianta: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

“Do not take life too seriously – you will never get out of it alive.”
Neberte život příliš vážně, stejně z něho nevyváznete živí.

Elbert Hubbard (1856–1915) American writer, publisher, artist, and philosopher fue el escritor del jarron azul

Zdroj: A Thousand & One Epigrams: Selected from the Writings of Elbert Hubbard (1911), p. 74

“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.”
Život by byl tragédií, kdyby nebyl vtipný.

Stephen Hawking (1942–2018) British theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and author

As quoted in "The Science of Second-Guessing", The New York Times (12 December 2004)

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
Tajemstvím úspěchu je začít.

Agatha Christie (1890–1976) English mystery and detective writer

“Out of everything I've lost, I miss my mind the most!”
Ze všeho co jsem ztratil, mi nejvíce chybí mysl!

Ozzy Osbourne (1948) English heavy metal vocalist and songwriter

“Choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”
K dokončení těžké práce si vybírám líného člověka. Protože líný člověk najde snadný způsob, jak tuto práci zvládnout.

Bill Gates (1955) American business magnate and philanthropist

Sometimes quoted with "difficult" instead of "hard".
A similar thought was expressed by automobile executive Clarence Bleicher in 1947 (before Bill Gates was born): "if you get a tough job, one that is hard, and you haven’t got a way to make it easy, put a lazy man on it, and after 10 days he will have an easy way to do it".
Misattributed
Zdroj: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/02/26/lazy-job/

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
Odpusťte svým nepřátelům, ale nikdy nezapomeňte jejich jména.

John F. Kennedy (1917–1963) 35th president of the United States of America

As quoted in Mayor (1984) by Ed Koch
Attributed

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Nezapomeňte, že dnešek je zítřek, kterého jste se včera obávali.

Dale Carnegie kniha How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Zdroj: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (1948), p. 237. Part 8 : How I Conquered Worry,

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
Máte nepřátele? Dobře. To znamená, že jste se někdy ve svém životě za něco postavili.

Victor Hugo kniha Things Seen

Often attributed to Churchill, this thought was originally expressed by the French author Victor Hugo in Villemain (1845), as follows: You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear.
Villemain is a brief segment taken from Hugo’s Choses Vues (Things Seen), a running journal Hugo kept of events he witnessed. The original French versions of these journals were published after Hugo's death.
Misattributed

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.”
Včerejšek je minulostí. Zítřek je záhadou. Dnešek je dar. Proto se mu říká přítomnost.

Alice Morse Earle (1851–1911) American historian

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
Nikdo si neuvědomuje, že někteří lidé vynakládají obrovské množství energie jen proto, aby byli normální.

Albert Camus kniha The Myth of Sisyphus

This quotation is from Notebook IV in Notebooks: 1942-1951, not Myth of Sisyphus. The quotation appears in none of Camus books you find in bookstores
The Myth of Sisyphus (1942), An Absurd Reasoning

“If you have to do it, you can do it.”
Pokud to musíte udělat, tak to zvládnete.

James M. Cain kniha Mildred Pierce

Mildred Pierce

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Tajemství šťastného manželství zůstává tajemstvím.

Henny Youngman (1906–1998) American comedian

"Forbes‎" - Vol. 166, Page 156, de Bertie Charles Forbes - Forbes Inc., 2000

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
Vždy odpouštějme svým nepřátelům, nic je nedokáže víc rozzuřit.

Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet

Varianta: Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
Udělejte co můžete, s tím co máte, tam kde jste.

Theodore Roosevelt (1858–1919) American politician, 26th president of the United States

Ch. IX : Outdoors and Indoors, p. 336; the final statement "quoted by Squire Bill Widener" as well as variants of it, are often misattributed to Roosevelt himself.
Variant: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Attributed to Roosevelt in Conquering an Enemy Called Average (1996) by John L. Mason, Nugget # 8 : The Only Place to Start is Where You Are. 
Varianta: Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are.
Kontext: There are many kinds of success in life worth having. It is exceedingly interesting and attractive to be a successful business man, or railroad man, or farmer, or a successful lawyer or doctor; or a writer, or a President, or a ranchman, or the colonel of a fighting regiment, or to kill grizzly bears and lions. But for unflagging interest and enjoyment, a household of children, if things go reasonably well, certainly makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison. It may be true that he travels farthest who travels alone; but the goal thus reached is not worth reaching. And as for a life deliberately devoted to pleasure as an end — why, the greatest happiness is the happiness that comes as a by-product of striving to do what must be done, even though sorrow is met in the doing. There is a bit of homely philosophy, quoted by Squire Bill Widener, of Widener's Valley, Virginia, which sums up one's duty in life: "Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are."

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
Nikdy bych za svou víru nezemřel, protože bych se mohl mýlit.

Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) logician, one of the first analytic philosophers and political activist

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
Nechci dosáhnout nesmrtelnosti svou prací, chci jí dosáhnout tím, že nezemřu. Nechci žít dál v srdcích svých krajanů, chci žít dál ve svém bytě.

Woody Allen (1935) American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician

The joke about immortality also appears in On Being Funny (1975)
In an interview in Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987, Allen said "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment."
Zdroj: The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”
Piju, aby byli ostatní lidi zajímavější.

Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961) American author and journalist

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
Neměj strach z dokonalosti. Nikdy jí nedosáhneš.

Salvador Dalí (1904–1989) Spanish artist

“When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.”
Když dělám dobře, cítím se dobře, když dělám špatně, cítím se špatně, a to je moje víra.

Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865) 16th President of the United States

Quoted in 3:439 Herndon's Lincoln (1890), p. 439 http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA439&dq=%22when+i+do+good+i+feel+good%22: Inasmuch as he was so often a candidate for public office Mr. Lincoln said as little about his religious code as possible, especially if he failed to coincide with the orthodox world. In illustration of his religious code I once heard him say that it was like that of an old man named Glenn, in Indiana, whom he heard speak at a church meeting, and who said: "When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion."
Posthumous attributions

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
Nikdy jsem nedopustil, aby škola stála v cestě mému vzdělání.

Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist

Varianta: Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

“I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there”
Nechci jít do nebe. Není tam žádný z mých přátel.

Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet

No known source in Oscar Wilde's works. Earliest known example of a similar quote comes from a 2001 usenet post https://groups.google.com/forum/message/raw?msg=alt.atheism/ZadPWBw-wew/G_3tx370wpoJ (not attributed to Wilde)
Attributed to Wilde on Goodreads https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/15736-i-don-t-want-to-go-to-heaven-none-of-my?page=83 some time on or before January 2008.
Bears some resemblance to Machiavelli's deathbed dream https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Niccol%C3%B2_Machiavelli#Disputed.
Disputed

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
Bankéř je člověk, který vám zapůjčí deštník, když svítí slunko, a chce jej zpátky, když začne pršet.

Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist

According to R. Ken Rasmussen in The Quotable Mark Twain (1998), this is most probably not Twain's.
Misattributed

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
Dokud si nebudete vážit sami sebe, nebudete si vážit ani svého času. Dokud si nebudete vážit svého času, nebudete s ním nic dělat.

M. Scott Peck (1936–2005) American psychiatrist

Zdroj: The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”
Napsal bych kratší dopis, ale neměl jsem čas.

Blaise Pascal (1623–1662) French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer, and Christian philosopher

Often misattributed to Twain, this is actually by Blaise Pascal, "Lettres provinciales", letter 16, 1657:
Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.
Translation: I have only made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the opportunity to make it shorter.
Misattributed
Zdroj: The Provincial Letters

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
Nikdy neodkládej na zítřek to, co se dá udělat pozítří.

Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
Vše co musíte vědět o mužích a ženách: ženy jsou bláznivé, muži hloupí. A hlavním důvodem proč jsou ženy bláznivé, je to, že muži jsou hloupí.

George Carlin (1937–2008) American stand-up comedian

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)
Zdroj: When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”
Mám rád muže, kteří mají jistou budoucnost, a ženy, které mají jistou minulost.

Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
Jsem tak chytrý, že někdy nerozumím jedinému slovu z toho, co říkám.

Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish writer and poet

Zdroj: The Happy Prince and Other Stories

“Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.”
Vždycky jsem byl toho názoru, že tvrdá práce je prostě útočištěm lidí, kteří nemají co dělat.

Oscar Wilde kniha The Happy Prince and Other Tales

" The Remarkable Rocket http://www.online-literature.com/wilde/179/".
The Happy Prince and Other Tales (1888)
Varianta: Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
Mám rád práci: fascinuje mě. Můžu sedět a dívat se na ni celé hodiny.

Jerome K. Jerome kniha Tři muži ve člunu

Varianta: I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Zdroj: Three Men in a Boat (1889), Ch. 15.
Kontext: It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

“The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”
Nejzajímavější informace přicházejí od dětí, protože ty řeknou všechno, co vědí, a potom zmlknou.

Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
Vždy mějte na paměti, že jste naprosto jedineční. Stejně jako všichni ostatní.

Margaret Mead (1901–1978) American anthropologist

Varianta: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
Je na světě jen jedna horší věc než to, že se o někom mluví, totiž to, že se o něm nemluví.

Oscar Wilde kniha Obraz Doriana Graye

Varianta: If there is anything more annoying in the world than having people talk about you, it is certainly having no one talk about you.
Zdroj: The Picture of Dorian Gray

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”
Kdybyste mohli kopnout do zadku člověka, který je zodpovědný za většinu vašich potíží, tak by ste si měsíc nesedli.

Theodore Roosevelt (1858–1919) American politician, 26th president of the United States

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Psi k nám oddaně vzhlížejí, kočky se na nás dívají svrchu, ale prasata na nás pohlížejí jako na sobě rovné.

Winston S. Churchill (1874–1965) Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

Christopher Soames, speech at the Reform Club (28 April 1981), reported in Martin S. Gilbert, Winston S. Churchill. Volume Eight: Never Despair: 1945–1965. p. 304
Post-war years (1945–1955)
Varianta: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Kontext: [Christopher Soames, Churchill's future son-in-law, remembered] Churchill showing him around Chartwell Farm [around 1946]. When they came to the piggery Churchill scratched one of the pigs and said: I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

“Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.”
Ženy jsou jako čajové sáčky. Nikdy nevíte, jak jsou silné, dokud je nevložíte do horké vody.

Eleanor Roosevelt (1884–1962) American politician, diplomat, and activist, and First Lady of the United States

Another quote often attributed to her without an original source in her writings, as in The Wit and Wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt (1996), p. 199. But once again archivists have not been able to find the quote in any of her writings, see the comment from Ralph Keyes in The Quote Verifier above.
A very similar remark was attributed to Nancy Reagan, in The Observer (29 March 1981): "A woman is like a teabag — only in hot water do you realize how strong she is."
Variants:
A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
A woman is like a tea bag, you can not tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
A woman is like a tea bag; you can't tell how strong she is and how much to trust her until you put her in hot water.
Disputed

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
Největší životní lekcí je, že i blbci mají někdy pravdu.

Winston S. Churchill (1874–1965) Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

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